No one mentioned how the world can be so breathtakingly beautiful while life can be atrociously ugly. I’m sitting on a bench somewhere in Setagaya, a few minutes walk from the house I have to call home, under cherry blossom trees as their petals shower down on me. As it rained sakuras on my head, I felt so much peace and agony all jumbled in my whole entire being. What a break from the madness of Tokyo I had to deal with an hour ago. What a much needed recharge from the creatures sucking the life force out of me. What a moment I needed for myself, to find much needed inner peace even for a split second. That millisecond of bliss, of content, of gratitude, of appreciation, for this world — that maybe it’s not so bad to be walking on this earth. I’d give anything and everything to experience that bliss again. As the second millisecond ticks in, a wave of loneliness, sadness, depression crashes in. Settles in. And I welcome them peacefully, silently suffering as the rest of the world and its creatures continue on.
I’m sorry, old man, that just walked past me as I cough my life will away, as I sniff my contentment away, as I ignore your pure innocent question. I just cannot be bothered to interact, to put on that mask again today, I’m sorry. If it was any other day I would’ve gladly responded.
But not today, not the day where I feel like giving up completely. Because on top of feeling much appreciation for the beauty of this world, it is also a beautiful final moment before the end. This is what I want to see before I go. This is what I want to overwhelm me before everything goes dark. Before I let it all go.